Tweens in the house? 10 tips to stay close

Between the ages of 9 and 12, or thereabouts, your once cuddly little children might suddenly want little or nothing to do with you, warns the Child Mind Institute.  He or she changes quickly during those ages: physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially. “He’s developing new independence and may even want to see how far he can push limits set by parents.”

Truth is, your child needs you more than ever as they go through very tricky years (with many more years to come, right?).

CMI offers 10 tips to keep the relationship close without suffocation. Read CMI’s article for all the details.

1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence. “All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterpret it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behavior,” says Catherine Steiner-Adair, a Harvard psychologist, schools consultant, and author of The Big Disconnect.
2. Set aside special time with your child. It’s often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, suggests establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that you spend with your tween.
3. Try the indirect approach. When they were younger you could ask direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the test? If anything, says Dr. Kirmayer, you have to take the opposite approach and position yourself as mostly just a listener: “If you actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, you’re more likely to get the information about your child’s life that you’re wanting.”
4. Don’t be overly judgmental. “At this age your children are watching you very astutely to hear how judgmental you are,” advises Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental.”
5. Watch what they watch with them. Beginning in middle school, watching the stuff that your child wants to watch. Says Dr. Steiner-Adair, it’s our job to help both boys and girls recognize the barrage of cultural messages that tell kids what it “means” to be a boy or a girl — and to help them identify when something crosses the line from teasing to mean. But tread lightly and use humor.
   1. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs. The unfortunate reality is that kids are starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol as early as 9 or 10. “They are going to be exposed to this stuff through their peer group,” Dr. Kirmayer says. “You want to provide them with information that is accurate, but you want to do it in a way that isn’t overwhelming.”
6. Don’t overreact. Dr. Steiner-Adair gives this example: “Your daughter comes in crying; she wasn’t invited to a sleepover. The parent says, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe you weren’t invited! That’s horrible! I’m going to call the mother.’” Don’t be that parent!
7. Don’t be “clueless” either. At the other extreme, don’t be a parent who “just ignores stuff,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair, e.g. a teenager caught hosting a party with alcohol. You risk seeming oblivious or unconcerned to kids.
8. Encourage sports for girls. Girls’ self-esteem peaks at the tender age of 9 and then drops off from there, but research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Girls on sports teams also tend to do better academically and have fewer body image issues.
9. Nurture your boy’s emotional side. “Messages from the culture about their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to them,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They say that anything to do with real feelings — love, sadness, vulnerability — is girly, therefore bad.” At the very least parents should do everything they can to encourage boys to be sensitive and vulnerable at home, while at the same time acknowledging the reality that those traits might not go over well at school.